Pellucidly

Last night I got beat up at church. I walked out with two black eyes, bruised ribs, and urinating blood. Brad has a great gift of tying his hands behind his back and allowing the spirit of God in love to land convicting blow after blow. It was much needed. Brad talked about our daily time spent with God. He didn't say that we needed to spend 30 minutes in the morning, complete our life journal each day, or any other plan, he just said we needed to spend time with God in whatever way works for us. He mentioned that without time spent with God and in His word we will live a life gaining understanding through consequence and not through wisdom. If you have read my blog for any length of time you will know what side of the fence I fall on that subject.

I have been talking with Tokunbo quite a bit about my desire to dive into God's word but my lack of spiritual discipline. In the past, when this type of conviction has hit me, I would run to the bookstore and buy some books that I would never get to chapter two in. I know that I have physical discipline. I have run a half marathon, I have completed a triathlon, and I have hiked half dome. However, spiritual discipline seems so much more difficult for me to maintain over a period of time. I have tried plans that get you through the bible in a year. They usually start out good for the first month, and in the forth month comes, I make the decision to read two days worth each day in order to catch up, all just to give up in the fifth month.

I want today to be different, but I don't know how.

If you want to listen the sermon should be up soon here, and you can also subscribe to the podcast via iTunes.

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So not sure what's going on with me, but I can't sleep. I woke up this morning at like 2:00am and couldn't fall to sleep. I refuse to just lay in bed. So I got out of bed, jumped on my mac and started looking for Gift Ideas.

For all you who know me and were wondering what to get me for my Birthday(the 23rd) or Christmas, here is the list. And if you don't know me and still want to buy me something, I will accept. Anyhow, I have arranged the list in price ranges from $0-$10, $10-$20, $20- $50, and Dreaming

I will cotinue to add things in the $0-20 range.

Love ya.

The bible is full of royal kings and royal screw ups, and most of the time they are both. We look to the scriptures to shed light on our day to day life, what we should do, what job we should take, what school we should go to, and so on and on. However, it seems that the scriptures shed light on a few individuals throughout time, and on a few moments in their life which generally seem to be quite momentous and rarely mundane.

I don't see your average Bob, living the day to day life like most of us. Does anyone else get frustrated because we are wanting to live these lives of people from the scriptures, when in fact, the scriptures only show a small amount of people from the beginning of time in crucial points in their lives?

I know I get frustrated with the pace of life. I want things to come now. I want to do great things now. But I wonder how long it took Paul to get from city to city, and what was life like then. Or what was the day to day life like when Noah was building the ark or when Paul was blind for three days, or how about the ho-hum days when the Israelites were in the desert for 40 days.

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I have had moments in life where I write poetry when feeling overwhelmed with emotion and written words are the only way I can get these feelings out. In the treatment center this was solidified. Night 15, I wanted to act out, the only way I could, masturbation. I opened up my journal, and wrote the below words.

All I've Done Is Run

Destruction all around me, caused by my hands. So much pain, so much hurt, it's hard to understand. What a good little boy, that seems to live inside, The choices he made, I soon cannot hide. Everyone's eyes will open up, there hearts will soon follow. They'll finally see a life, that has left me hollow. My whole life I have tried, to make known my cry, to be loved from the inside. The more that I fight, to make known my plight, the more my issues, get pushed to light. It's more than I can handle, it's more than I can bear, These feelings inside, are what I fear. The ants on my skin, they start to dance, The breathe that surrounds me, it's too hard to grasp, The sun in the sky, feels to close by. The pain is welling up, my eyes will soon crumble. This life where I feel, is too hard to follow. This lump in my throat, I'd rather just swallow. I WANNA RUN! I WANNA HIDE! I WANNA CLOSE MY EYES, AND CRAWL UP INSIDE! I never quite tried, to understand my own cry. I'v always just chosen, to run and hide. I stand here tonight, it's so dark and so gloomy. A bed that I've made, lay right before me. I can choose to succumb, or to withstand. To succumb is to numb, To withstand, understand. These feelings I have, I've been told will not kill me. I can run, I can hide, I can watch my life flush on by. Or I can face, and embrace, and look deep inside. ~Timothy Yeager

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I want to do great things,
I want to do one great thing,
I want to do some good things,
I want to do something, anything,
I just want to get out of Bed.

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I have been hearing a common message lately. It's created quite a bit of frustration in me. I generally get frustrated when I know there is something I need but I don't know how to get it.

mentor |?men?tôr; -t?r| noun an experienced and trusted adviser : he was her friend and mentor until his death in 1915.

I have been told three different times, in three different situations, by three different people, that I need a mentor. It's something lacking in our culture today, a relationship with an experienced trusted advisor to can be there and help your through life. There is quite a bit of disconnect between generations. Brad a few weeks ago, from the pulpit, asked who we were being discipled by? My therapist and the 12 step process states that if I want to move forward in recovery I need a Sponsor. Today, while watching Men's Fraternity, Robert Lewis states that relationships with older, more wise men is lacking with my generation.

I agree with all of them, however it's not like I can go to the drive through an order a Super sized Mentor, with extra wisdom. These type of relationships seem to grow quite organically. To grow you need the right ingredients. Right now at church we are lacking some of the ingredients necessary to promote such an organic environment. Our average age at church is 28. I am 28 next month. I look around any Sunday service and honestly, and maybe a bit judgmentally, I don't see or talk to many men who could mentor me. A sponsor seems to a bit easier. On the phone list of the 12 step program that I attend has a star denoting who is willing to be a sponsor. In the past week I have asked two people to be my sponsor, both of which declined and stated that they weren't at a place where their recovery was at the place of health that it needs to be for them to be a sponsor. I completely respect and appreciate their honesty. It would be much worse for them to say yes, and then not be able to fulfill the responsibility of being a sponsor.

I fear this is coming across as complaining, that isn't my intent. It's frustration. I can look back in my life, and the times of most growth were times where I had an older more wise man in my life who help guide me through life by admonition or encouragement. My frustration is how to create an organic relationship, inorganically? Or should I be patient? Or, Is there a way to proactively be patient for an organic relationship to form? I got no clue, and it's really becoming frustrating.

Any suggestions?

By the way, I see the stats on my traffic, and see people coming, reading and going. I appreciate the lurkers, but why not grow from the status of lurker to commenter?

Now that it's 2:23 AM, I guess I should say 'last night' I started writing my book, "Goodbye Old Friend". I have been typing for a couple hours now, and it feels incredible. The book is going to be about my struggle with finding healthy friendships, the life that resulted and now having to say goodbye to my two oldest friends, Manipulation and Addiction. They have been there for me so long. They have helped me get through some very painful moments in my life, but in order for me to grow, I need to say goodbye.

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A couple of nights ago I took my dog and my parents two dogs for walk. All three dogs took a different approach to this evening excursion. Finnigan marked every pole, looked behind every bush, and constantly was pulling much harder than her throat would allow. Trixie attacked everything that moved, every light that flashed, and every smell that passed her nose. Connor walked right beside me, smiling and running with ease.

While walking I saw three different ways of living life. I could push and progress going to the far reaches that my leash would allow, curiously checking out what was around each bush, each corner, constantly straining, gasping for breath that my lifestyle didn't afford, and eventually bringing to pain gasping for air. I could live a life that was seeking after everything that was moving; Desiring to get close to what was hip for the moment, whatever seemed cool or flashy that second. Or, I could live and run right next to my Master, the one who feeds me, takes care of me, and guides me.

I think I have definitely lived the first two, and now I am trying the third on for size.

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Almost a year ago I started to evaluate what direction I wanted to take for a career. I definitely knew the career I was in as an accountant was life draining and not life giving. When I started to brainstorm the possibilities, I knew one thing, that whatever path I took it would be one that I was passionate about. For too long have I drug myself out of bed, to a job I may I have been good at, but never passionate about. I envied my wife and the choices she made that have led her to a career that she enjoys and shows up early for each day. I went through all the possibilities. I looked at everything I enjoyed from my past. At first thought, Computer Programming seemed like a good choice. The Web is full of possibilities, and I always enjoyed my Computer Programming classes in college. This idea for a career as always been in the back of my mind, but for some reason I never pursued it. After some thought about the life of a programmer, it eventually became apparent to me that it probably wasn't the best choice for me. A lot of hours spent in isolation staring a computer screen with a successful day only resulting in code on a page. I want something meaningful, I want a career with human interaction. The next thought I had about a possible career was that of a Social Worker. I have always enjoyed my time spent with those in need, and however difficult a situation would be if I found myself working with CPS (Child Protective Services), the thought of being there for a voiceless, powerless child, seemed rewarding. I definitely enjoy seeing people succeed, by turning a negative situation into a positive one. I brought this idea to my therapist. She liked the idea, and the reasons I had given her to why I wanted to pursue this, however she had some concerns. She told me she has many friends who are Social Workers, and that the job is high stress, low pay, and mostly spent doing paperwork. I have heard about the high stress and low pay, and was willing to accept that, however the idea of mostly spending time doing paperwork in order to cover the government's ass from being sued, did not seem appealing. She later told me that she has some friends who have left the field of Social Worker and have become School Psychologists, and have loved their career change. She told me the reasons I have expressed for wanting to pursue Social Work would also fit as a School Psychologist. I chewed on the idea for quite a bit through my time in the treatment center. My therapist there, Brenda, thought it would be a great fit for me. She encouraged me to pursue it. I left the treatment center encouraged, full of hope about this possibility. Psychology has definitely become a huge interest of mine. Through my recovery process I have been able to get a glimpse of what it entails and the help it can be. My time being a 7th grade coach has to be one of the my most enjoyable times in my life. They were at such a pivotal time in their life, and they just seemed like a sponge. I could definitely see myself 5 years from now working with Middle School kids. With that said, on Monday, I registered for school to get my degree in Psychology. I feel quite inspired about pursuing a career that I am passionate about. This upcoming semester I will be taking two psych classes at our local JC and one class at CSU Fresno. 

Would you rather take care of, yourself or others? Are you the person, the flight attendant is talking to, when they instruct you in case of an emergency to put your mask on prior to helping others? Is it easier for you to just stay quiet when someone has upset you, wronged you, or did something you don't agree with? Do you bottle up feelings and emotions rather than share them appropriately, all to just have them explode down the road at an inappropriate time, generally to an undeserving individual. My answers to the above are others, yes, yes, and yes.

The B in Beach stands for Boundaries. They have always been an issue for me. I generally don't have a problem respecting others boundaries, it's respecting mine that is a problem. I generally have a problem with saying no. I could try to offer some information that I learned about boundaries, or I could just suggest the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud. It's a great book.

What I learned however about why I have trouble asserting my boundaries are;

1. Without a since of self, you will have trouble understanding when someone is crossing your boundaries.
2. "No" is a complete sentence.
3. I can say "No" to a friend or anyone for that matter and if their opinion of me does change, that is there issue, not mine.
4. I am defined but who I am and not by what I do

When I don't assert my boundaries I generally start to self hate. This self hate generally leads to some cognitive distortions about myself and the people around, which will then generally lead to feelings of pity and worthlessness, which are usually my emotional triggers to act out in my addiction.

Anyone else struggle with this?